smr’s blog

but withoud D
another great time. great memory. thanks for great company dudues. love ya.

but i crossed the line, which makes it so shitty.

A few days back Mayank, a friend who stayed with me in hostel during drop year, visited. He got job in hyderabad. That year we spent lot of time together, and are good friends. He said that i never called him, we only talked when he called me. I had no answers. i said i can’t talk on phone, but i couldnt explain when he mentioned my phone bills. He said we wouldn’t have met, if he wouldn’t havr come to iiit. i can’t deny that, not very soon for sure. i gave some stupid replies and changed the topic.

I’m not maintaining any relations. not in touch with any friends with whom i lived 7 important years in hostel. none of my childhood friends and friends i made during drop. no one. not even many iiit batchmates. if they start, i do reply. but i never start. what a kind of person i am ? i love all of them. i love to talk to them any time. i enjoy their company. but i miss noone. i don’t think about anyone. i am not even good with my family.

i can’t even say that i’m bad at maintaining distance relationships. probabely i’m best at that. i just admitted (in prev post). or might be its she who is staying close, starting it everytime.

But one good thing. My friends are not like me, they always stay in touch, and maintain the relations. So my behavior doesn’t matter. No. My friends too have a problem. They keep counting(not literally) that how many times did they call and how many times did i call. And over time, they start feeling uncomfortable about calling me. Slowly they start asking ‘Are you busy’. Although we do talk nicely, but the counts starts to matter.

Probably coz i rarely think about past. most of the times my thoughts are hypothetical. they are not about me. they are about noone. interrupt me while i’m thinking and ask what i was thinking about. i won’t be able to answer. i know i was thinking, but i won’t be able to tell what i was thinking about. i get lost in my thoughts so often and so soon. i don’t know if its common to have abstract thoughts. sometimes i think it won’t be difficult for me to live on a lonely island.

Most probable reason for this behavior is my speaking very less. I won’t speak until i have something(point of view) to say that no one in the group is touching, or to support what i think is so uncommon to support but i do.^[1] or until i’m high ( strong bc mood, very senti, frustrated, angry, anything but normal). This silence doesnt get noticed while we are together, coz someone else is speaking. But it doesnt help over phone, and thats why i avoid calling over phone.

I seriously need a psychiatric help regarding it. I don’t think i can improve myself, but i want to understand this behavior. tell me that this is common in 0.1% of people.

Hey friends. I’ve this disorder that i can’t help out. But i love you all, and want to maintain our relation. I love being with you, listening to you and talking to you. Pls reset your counters and stop counting. I will meanwhile try to improve.

Now, don’t call me right now. I don’t know how to reply. Take some time. But do comment, might help me.

^[1] I have a 4 months old post titled ‘why say the obvious’, but nothing more written. I think it will be fair to post it without any content.

… again after a long time.

Love
long long time since i mentioned. 7 months since i met her(for 2 hrs only). 4 years since i spent time in her arms. 3 hours since i talked to her. some-times we wonder how are we managing it and life seems so difficult. other-times seems so casual. thats the problem of dating a close relative in a small town. everyone knows you.
if one can’t be in each others arms, then whats the purpose of being in love in 20’s. would you start a relation knowing this is how its going to be ? never do it, if you are not an asshole like me. i tell you how it feels. you see couples, and wish you too were together. you close your eyes and try to feel her, but fk its been so long that you can’t even visualize her face. it sucks so much that its better to stay single and be a flirt.
my turning casual in love is worrying her a lot. she is still crazy.. much like she was in starting. i love her a lot. but i don’t feel crazy. probably coz now i’m much more confident, and not afraid. i try not to reveal, but she is smart enough to figure it out. also i’m not emotional anymore. i’ve become so fking heartless. it all hurts her. i don’t know what to do.
our life is so much like married, but apart. ..say a soldier on border.
she has picked habit of calling me ‘pen da takka’. sounds cute.
she is on vacations at home for next one month. wont be able to talk. miss ya jaan.

Life
i am becoming so fking silent observer. i need a break. didnt take vacation since nov05. planning to go to home in july. fking icvgip got postponed, hope doesnt affect my vacations planning.
on relations. got big so dedicated post(next one).
from some time i was thinking to practice a change. will start it from today.

Fifa
do i care?

Browsing
spending limited/no time on browsing. even taking 5 days to read PGs articles after i open them. hey guyz! do send me few interesting articles. Hey Jaya, come back to internet. you use to send nice links.

BarCamp
BarCamp Hyd2. Afraid i will be on vacations.

don’t know why i am blogging like next post will come after months. hope not.

And can anyone tell me where do i go to sue the world. it so fking.

“Google Browser Sync for Firefox is an extension that continuously synchronizes your browser settings – including bookmarks, history, persistent cookies, and saved passwords – across your computers.”
just what i wanted. i didnt think this all will be possible with extension. It has a nice session saver as well. Firefox rocks. Google rocks.

Had some problem in using it at first. Was giving errors like “400 bad request”, and “sync failed” etc.. Figured out that it was probably coz of huge bookmarks i had. Removed the bookmarks (obviously backed up), and it worked fine.

work. yeah.. 1st draft of the paper is ready. feels good.