During our trip to Gulbarga, we visited a temple. We stayed there for some half an hour. I got a good enough time to retrospect my relation with god.
I am born in a very religious family. My parents didn’t have any child for three years after marriage. So they turned toward a very powerful godess in our area, Kalki. And my birth was a var from her. After I was born, they took my snap to that temple and the godess (through a guy) said, “I know him, he is my child”.
I grew with this impression in my mind. I always thought myself as a son of god. Always considered myself as lucky, protected by god. Funny but true.
In my childhood I was very much dependent on god. For every small desire I use to call god for help, use to pray to help me out. On not doing my home work, I prayed for teacher to not to ask about it, for cricket matches of india/village, to get a desired number in snake & ladder. Possibly for every smallest thing I looked for god. Always whole heartily. And when ever I needed help very badly I really got it. Even in most adverse situations, things did happen as I prayed for them. I can’t imagine anyone worshiping god like I did. I felt great at that time.
Then my life undergoes a major change. I started looking at everything by reasoning, by logic. It started when I was in 9th. I stared redefining all my beliefs based on reasoning, based on logic and based on science. I really did change a lot in these years. I studied myself, the society and life. There were many do’s and don’ts in life. I looked on each one of them, and discarded/accepted them based on reasoning. Mostly there was discarding. I dont really remember any accepting. This was the time when I questioned the existence of god. Went through lots of discussions/arguments with my friends. And my argument used to be “I have never seen him, never felt him. Why should I trust in such an unseen identity. Why should I worship such an unknown thing. Have you ever felt him ? How ?” And I never got any satisfactory answer for my questions. Everyone told me about stories, but nothing from their own experiences. And then one day i said “I don’t believe in god”.
My this disbelief was not because of anything worse happening to me. It was one of the most beautiful time of my life. I was then known as the only atheist of my class, and very popular for being that. Had lots of interesting discussions on related topics. In 11th I was introduced to Osho. He was exactly what I was undergoing in these years. I felt like someone speaking my thoughts. He was like a support to my philosophy. His every speech, every writing use to resonance with my philosophy in developing. It was a process of forgetting. Forgetting everything that I had learned from the society, everything that society had filled into my brain, from my childhood. Which I learned consciously or subconsciously. They said “don’t do it”, “you should not do that” but no one gave any proper reasoning. And I like any other soul on this earth kept learning it. All this became a part of my subconscious being. It was not really a fight with myself. Everything was very easygoing. And I enjoyed it. With every change I felt better, like I was rising above the crowd.
In this important period, there was one person who could understand me, my thoughts. One who too was undergoing the similar change. Upasana. I use to discuss all these things with her. Most important was, she was 2 years younger to me, and still able to understand all this. [ I have got a belief that girls are 2-4 years more mature (mentally) than a boy of same age ]. I knew her as she was a sister of mine by a very close relation. And she was a big fan of mine from childhood. (Another long long therad. Out of context. Stop it.) And after this we developed our philosophy together. She read more Osho stuff than me, (I rarely read any), and I learnt about Osho’s philosophy mostly from her narration. She use to give the the summary of what she read and listened from Osho audios. She had enough access to Osho stuff as her uncle was also a Osho fan. The only difference between US in those times was our belief in god. She had a very strong belief in god. But with time, and with my reasionings, she moved towards disbelief in god.
Though I stopped believing in god in 9th itself, but I never stopped praying to god. Because there was something very important in my life, for which I never wanted to take any change. I use to pray for happiness of Upasana and for a crush of that time named Dimple. After I decided to live a life with Upasana, I changed my prayer to “God! give me upasana”. After 11th I was a hardcore atheist. But whenever I visited temples, (with family, or mom asked to pray) I just uttered this prayer. But whenever I uttered I did it whole hearty. Without bothering that I don’t believe in god.
Recently, sometime a year back, I changed my prayer. After I was really satisfied with life. After I learned to fully enjoy the moments. And my new prayer is “Thank you God”. Maybe just to say myself that I am really enjoying my life, with whatever I have got. And I never again asked for anything from god, and just said “thanks for everything”.
After my admission to IIIT, in early class of English we were asked to write an article of our own choice. And I wrote on “god and i”. It was mostly on why I don’t believe in god. Marathe mam’s comments were “You can’t see air, you can’t see love, you can’t see viruses… but still they do exist”.
There were few interesting arguments I use to give in discussions about god -
Do you believe in ghosts ? If you believe in god, you must believe in evil also. So if there is god to help you, then there is a devil also to harm you. Equal to not having both of them.
Okey lets assume that the god exists. Does he help those who prays or those who are good ? “those who do good”. Will the god do harm to me if i don’t believe in him, but continue to be good ? “not really”. Than why shold i pray, if everything depends on what i am ?
I have seen very nice people suffering in life ? Why does it happen ? If your god exists then what the f*** does he do ? And why does very bad people enjoy their lives ?
And the most stupid and irrational replies i ever got were about previous and next birth. Really ridiculous.
God is just a false creature developed by us, to help us psychologically. To hide our weaknesses, to escape from loneliness. Like one in the movie Cast Away.
And my last words -
Whatever god is. But if it can help someone psychologically so much, then its really great. A lonely person can take companionship of god, a lost person can get hope because of god, and can stop someone from doing a bad thing.
“Thank you god”