smr’s blog

We were going to meet soon. I was supposed to meet her while on my way to home. I planned my journey such that I will be at her place on Sunday morning, so that she could easily find time out of her college routine. Her end sem exams were starting from 25th, so I scheduled the meeting the sunday before that.
I was excited about it. And waiting about it so anxiously.

But yesterday(15th, while i made a call from Vizag, just before returning), she gave me the shock that she can’t meet me. Coz she is really very busy with her project work and the end sem studies. Didnt talk much that time and continued it today(16th) for some 2-3 hours.

Well it didnt made sense to me. She can’t spare 4 hours for me, no matter what ? I didnt know how to react and I was out of my mind. I was pissed off. And I am real bad when I am angry.

I had a reason.
This is not how I want to live. I dont want to sacrifice 4 hours for some stupid studies or work. There will be more than a thousand moments when we will need to decide between staying together or the work. She is ambitious. She want to study more. Upto doctorate. And then her job might not allow us to be together. There will be many such moments in life where she will need to choose between some fking thing and my 4 hours. And my concern is when do I get my 4 hours ?

I was real bad all along. Like a villain who was more concerned about his 4 hours than anything else in the world.

But I wanted to make it clear, how do we look at these situations. For her it looked like I am exaggerating the topic. Maybe I was, but I wanted to make sure that I dont again get disappointed for my 4 hours. I dont want to live a life at telephone booth.

She didnt respond clearly. And kept requesting me not to make the things complex. And finally I made her speak it out. May be out of frustation of my behaviour. But it was something that i didnt want to listen. “Yes, I will choose my career.” Well I was disappointed and hurt.

Whatever it is, but its more important that we understand it. I wont expect for my 4 hours, and this situation will not rise again.

The tragedy of my love story is that I killed lots of expectations. But once you do it, life becomes simpler.

Read it long back in ‘Chicken Soup for the Soul’.
I don’t generally appreciate poems, but liked it a lot.

‘Twas battered and scarred, and the auctioneer
thought it scarcely worth his while
to waste much time on the old violin,
but held it up with a smile.

“What am I bidden, good folks,” he cried,
“Who’ll start the bidding for me?”
“A dollar, a dollar”; Then two!
“Only two? Two dollars, and who’ll make it three?”
“Three dollars, once; three dollars, twice;
Going for three…”

But no, From the room, far back, a grey-haired man
came forward and picked up the bow;
Then wiping the dust from the old violin,
and tightening the loosened strings,
he played a melody pure and sweet,
as a caroling angel sings.

The music ceased, and the auctioneer,
with a voice that was quiet and low,
Said: “What am I bid for the old violin?”
And he held it up with the bow.
“A thousand dollars, and who’ll make it two?
Two thousand! And who’ll make it three?
Three thousand, once; three thousand, twice,
And going and gone,” said he.

The people cheered, but some of them cried,
“We do not quite understand.What changed its worth?”
Swift came the reply: “The touch of the Master’s hand.”
And many a man with life out of tune,
and battered and scarred with sin,
is auctioned cheap to the thoughtless crowd
much like the old violin.

A “mess of pottage,” a glass of wine,
A game — and he travels on.
He is “going” once, and “going” twice,
He’s “going” and almost “gone.”
But the Master comes, and the foolish crowd
never can quite understand
the worth of a soul and the change that is wrought
by the touch of the Master’s hand.

- Myra Brooks Welch

If love were to be taxed, I would be the highest tax payer.

Today she wept for hurting me sometime 6 years back. I just mentioned how she use to ignore me those days. Stupid she.