A few days back Mayank, a friend who stayed with me in hostel during drop year, visited. He got job in hyderabad. That year we spent lot of time together, and are good friends. He said that i never called him, we only talked when he called me. I had no answers. i said i can’t talk on phone, but i couldnt explain when he mentioned my phone bills. He said we wouldn’t have met, if he wouldn’t havr come to iiit. i can’t deny that, not very soon for sure. i gave some stupid replies and changed the topic.
I’m not maintaining any relations. not in touch with any friends with whom i lived 7 important years in hostel. none of my childhood friends and friends i made during drop. no one. not even many iiit batchmates. if they start, i do reply. but i never start. what a kind of person i am ? i love all of them. i love to talk to them any time. i enjoy their company. but i miss noone. i don’t think about anyone. i am not even good with my family.
i can’t even say that i’m bad at maintaining distance relationships. probabely i’m best at that. i just admitted (in prev post). or might be its she who is staying close, starting it everytime.
But one good thing. My friends are not like me, they always stay in touch, and maintain the relations. So my behavior doesn’t matter. No. My friends too have a problem. They keep counting(not literally) that how many times did they call and how many times did i call. And over time, they start feeling uncomfortable about calling me. Slowly they start asking ‘Are you busy’. Although we do talk nicely, but the counts starts to matter.
Probably coz i rarely think about past. most of the times my thoughts are hypothetical. they are not about me. they are about noone. interrupt me while i’m thinking and ask what i was thinking about. i won’t be able to answer. i know i was thinking, but i won’t be able to tell what i was thinking about. i get lost in my thoughts so often and so soon. i don’t know if its common to have abstract thoughts. sometimes i think it won’t be difficult for me to live on a lonely island.
Most probable reason for this behavior is my speaking very less. I won’t speak until i have something(point of view) to say that no one in the group is touching, or to support what i think is so uncommon to support but i do.[1] or until i’m high ( strong bc mood, very senti, frustrated, angry, anything but normal). This silence doesnt get noticed while we are together, coz someone else is speaking. But it doesnt help over phone, and thats why i avoid calling over phone.
I seriously need a psychiatric help regarding it. I don’t think i can improve myself, but i want to understand this behavior. tell me that this is common in 0.1% of people.
Hey friends. I’ve this disorder that i can’t help out. But i love you all, and want to maintain our relation. I love being with you, listening to you and talking to you. Pls reset your counters and stop counting. I will meanwhile try to improve.
Now, don’t call me right now. I don’t know how to reply. Take some time. But do comment, might help me.
[1] I have a 4 months old post titled ‘why say the obvious’, but nothing more written. I think it will be fair to post it without any content.
