Archive for the ‘personal’ Category

black moments

Sunday, August 19th, 2007

moments that
i would like to forget completely about.
but will forever regret about.

its a difficult feeling, different feeling.
the uncertainty is even more killing.
its hard to live in doubt.
its sick when i try to think optimistically.
its horrible when i assume the worst.

i could look back at my life
and laugh about most terrible moments.
but not anymore.

it shouldn’t have happened.
i don’t even know who to say sorry to.
had i believed in god,
it would have been relaxing to talk to.

what to do, when one can’t answer the questions rising in his mind.

just can hope to learn a lot from it.

based upon a nightmare, which was unfortunately real.

i have no major secrets in life, but this one will probably remain for a long time. until i learn to laugh about it.

PS: The post was kept private till Sep 2nd.

moved to gurgaon

Monday, June 11th, 2007

yea.. on 5th, as the startup shifted base to gurgaon/delhi.

And we hit the market on 8th. its going great. Was a hectic weekend, but fun. Enjoyed it.

Did attend jagjit on 2nd. Blog post pending. It was for sure one of the best concerts he has done.

Here I blog again

Sunday, March 25th, 2007

Boy.. all these days.. I wanted to blog.. blog a lot.. but somehow didnt. I loved blogging.. I missed blogging.. but I didnt. Probably was too busy. or too tired. Manytimes thought that I will make a comeback. Start blogging like good old days. But I didnt.

After I used wordpress for another blog.. I was impressed by the beauty of it. Instantly thought.. dude! I am going to shift to it and start blogging again. But then wanted to import all previous posts first from blosxom. That needed few scripts to put all posts and comments into wp db. But never saved time to do that, and I didnt blog yet again.

Thats it. I said today morning.. And whithout waiting for anything I setup the wp blog. Will import old posts sometime later and till then my old blog will continue to exist and later redirect to imported posts.

My good old blosxom, So long and thanks for all the posts.

Hope.. wordpress will give some support to a dying blogger.

here I blog again

Update : wp users, do suggest some useful plugins, tweaks etc

Maintaining Relations

Friday, June 23rd, 2006

A few days back Mayank, a friend who stayed with me in hostel during drop year, visited. He got job in hyderabad. That year we spent lot of time together, and are good friends. He said that i never called him, we only talked when he called me. I had no answers. i said i can’t talk on phone, but i couldnt explain when he mentioned my phone bills. He said we wouldn’t have met, if he wouldn’t havr come to iiit. i can’t deny that, not very soon for sure. i gave some stupid replies and changed the topic.

I’m not maintaining any relations. not in touch with any friends with whom i lived 7 important years in hostel. none of my childhood friends and friends i made during drop. no one. not even many iiit batchmates. if they start, i do reply. but i never start. what a kind of person i am ? i love all of them. i love to talk to them any time. i enjoy their company. but i miss noone. i don’t think about anyone. i am not even good with my family.

i can’t even say that i’m bad at maintaining distance relationships. probabely i’m best at that. i just admitted (in prev post). or might be its she who is staying close, starting it everytime.

But one good thing. My friends are not like me, they always stay in touch, and maintain the relations. So my behavior doesn’t matter. No. My friends too have a problem. They keep counting(not literally) that how many times did they call and how many times did i call. And over time, they start feeling uncomfortable about calling me. Slowly they start asking ‘Are you busy’. Although we do talk nicely, but the counts starts to matter.

Probably coz i rarely think about past. most of the times my thoughts are hypothetical. they are not about me. they are about noone. interrupt me while i’m thinking and ask what i was thinking about. i won’t be able to answer. i know i was thinking, but i won’t be able to tell what i was thinking about. i get lost in my thoughts so often and so soon. i don’t know if its common to have abstract thoughts. sometimes i think it won’t be difficult for me to live on a lonely island.

Most probable reason for this behavior is my speaking very less. I won’t speak until i have something(point of view) to say that no one in the group is touching, or to support what i think is so uncommon to support but i do.[1] or until i’m high ( strong bc mood, very senti, frustrated, angry, anything but normal). This silence doesnt get noticed while we are together, coz someone else is speaking. But it doesnt help over phone, and thats why i avoid calling over phone.

I seriously need a psychiatric help regarding it. I don’t think i can improve myself, but i want to understand this behavior. tell me that this is common in 0.1% of people.

Hey friends. I’ve this disorder that i can’t help out. But i love you all, and want to maintain our relation. I love being with you, listening to you and talking to you. Pls reset your counters and stop counting. I will meanwhile try to improve.

Now, don’t call me right now. I don’t know how to reply. Take some time. But do comment, might help me.

[1] I have a 4 months old post titled ‘why say the obvious’, but nothing more written. I think it will be fair to post it without any content.