god and i

During our trip to Gulbarga, we visited a temple. We stayed there for some half an hour. I got a good enough time to retrospect my relation with god.

I am born in a very religious family. My parents didn’t have any child for three years after marriage. So they turned toward a very powerful godess in our area, Kalki. And my birth was a var from her. After I was born, they took my snap to that temple and the godess (through a guy) said, “I know him, he is my child”.
I grew with this impression in my mind. I always thought myself as a son of god. Always considered myself as lucky, protected by god. Funny but true.

In my childhood I was very much dependent on god. For every small desire I use to call god for help, use to pray to help me out. On not doing my home work, I prayed for teacher to not to ask about it, for cricket matches of india/village, to get a desired number in snake & ladder. Possibly for every smallest thing I looked for god. Always whole heartily. And when ever I needed help very badly I really got it. Even in most adverse situations, things did happen as I prayed for them. I can’t imagine anyone worshiping god like I did. I felt great at that time.

Then my life undergoes a major change. I started looking at everything by reasoning, by logic. It started when I was in 9th. I stared redefining all my beliefs based on reasoning, based on logic and based on science. I really did change a lot in these years. I studied myself, the society and life. There were many do’s and don’ts in life. I looked on each one of them, and discarded/accepted them based on reasoning. Mostly there was discarding. I dont really remember any accepting. This was the time when I questioned the existence of god. Went through lots of discussions/arguments with my friends. And my argument used to be “I have never seen him, never felt him. Why should I trust in such an unseen identity. Why should I worship such an unknown thing. Have you ever felt him ? How ?” And I never got any satisfactory answer for my questions. Everyone told me about stories, but nothing from their own experiences. And then one day i said “I don’t believe in god”.

My this disbelief was not because of anything worse happening to me. It was one of the most beautiful time of my life. I was then known as the only atheist of my class, and very popular for being that. Had lots of interesting discussions on related topics. In 11th I was introduced to Osho. He was exactly what I was undergoing in these years. I felt like someone speaking my thoughts. He was like a support to my philosophy. His every speech, every writing use to resonance with my philosophy in developing. It was a process of forgetting. Forgetting everything that I had learned from the society, everything that society had filled into my brain, from my childhood. Which I learned consciously or subconsciously. They said “don’t do it”, “you should not do that” but no one gave any proper reasoning. And I like any other soul on this earth kept learning it. All this became a part of my subconscious being. It was not really a fight with myself. Everything was very easygoing. And I enjoyed it. With every change I felt better, like I was rising above the crowd.

In this important period, there was one person who could understand me, my thoughts. One who too was undergoing the similar change. Upasana. I use to discuss all these things with her. Most important was, she was 2 years younger to me, and still able to understand all this. [ I have got a belief that girls are 2-4 years more mature (mentally) than a boy of same age ]. I knew her as she was a sister of mine by a very close relation. And she was a big fan of mine from childhood. (Another long long therad. Out of context. Stop it.) And after this we developed our philosophy together. She read more Osho stuff than me, (I rarely read any), and I learnt about Osho’s philosophy mostly from her narration. She use to give the the summary of what she read and listened from Osho audios. She had enough access to Osho stuff as her uncle was also a Osho fan. The only difference between US in those times was our belief in god. She had a very strong belief in god. But with time, and with my reasionings, she moved towards disbelief in god.

Though I stopped believing in god in 9th itself, but I never stopped praying to god. Because there was something very important in my life, for which I never wanted to take any change. I use to pray for happiness of Upasana and for a crush of that time named Dimple. After I decided to live a life with Upasana, I changed my prayer to “God! give me upasana”. After 11th I was a hardcore atheist. But whenever I visited temples, (with family, or mom asked to pray) I just uttered this prayer. But whenever I uttered I did it whole hearty. Without bothering that I don’t believe in god.

Recently, sometime a year back, I changed my prayer. After I was really satisfied with life. After I learned to fully enjoy the moments. And my new prayer is “Thank you God”. Maybe just to say myself that I am really enjoying my life, with whatever I have got. And I never again asked for anything from god, and just said “thanks for everything”.

After my admission to IIIT, in early class of English we were asked to write an article of our own choice. And I wrote on “god and i”. It was mostly on why I don’t believe in god. Marathe mam’s comments were “You can’t see air, you can’t see love, you can’t see viruses… but still they do exist”.

There were few interesting arguments I use to give in discussions about god -

Do you believe in ghosts ? If you believe in god, you must believe in evil also. So if there is god to help you, then there is a devil also to harm you. Equal to not having both of them.

Okey lets assume that the god exists. Does he help those who prays or those who are good ? “those who do good”. Will the god do harm to me if i don’t believe in him, but continue to be good ? “not really”. Than why shold i pray, if everything depends on what i am ?

I have seen very nice people suffering in life ? Why does it happen ? If your god exists then what the f*** does he do ? And why does very bad people enjoy their lives ?

And the most stupid and irrational replies i ever got were about previous and next birth. Really ridiculous.

God is just a false creature developed by us, to help us psychologically. To hide our weaknesses, to escape from loneliness. Like one in the movie Cast Away.

And my last words -
Whatever god is. But if it can help someone psychologically so much, then its really great. A lonely person can take companionship of god, a lost person can get hope because of god, and can stop someone from doing a bad thing.

“Thank you god”

6 Responses to “god and i”

  1. sam Says:

    Cool Post after a long time ..
    cool post dude .. this is wht a blog is meant for .. others plz .. take some note from this. Stop being a IIIT news reporter.

    coming back to your post .. (dont mind if comment goes longer thn the post :) )

    # the Childhood part was great .. even i used to pray for getting a rainy day ..
    # i still believe u r son of god. for me ROOT is GOD. atleast in IIIT.
    # for me Osho is still a preacher of Open Sex .. will read more abt him .. later
    # its not always tht only good ppl suffer .. c i am happy
    # all in all .. God and Evil may exist .. i have never seen them .. niether i can prove their presence. But a belief can do miracles for ppl .. confidence makes a lot of difference.
    # but one things for sure .. all incidents happening are not based on some random function .. some thing or other manages .. otherwise what will you call Luck .. and now tell me tht Luck is all bullshit .
    # i guess the P.S is meant for A R & company ;)

    all in all nice post .. “Thanks God” you posted something abt you and not TOOR

  2. CS Says:

    U r my GOD
    Take it this way ….. $title
    U remember the day when I said that My life wud be different from that moment….u can never understand that, noone can….its not that U cant but smthings are to be felt …… can U sit alone on a Sunday evening in a place where the setting Sun is throwing rays thru a slit …..it all comes down to wat a person is … may be u can live without God but take smone like me who used to cry at every stupid thing when I was a child and start talking to God and urging him to take me out of this shit and I wont repeat nething like that…….
    He helps …… we cant make out…..jaanu believes a lot in God….her faith makes me do that…dont know Y …. My mom is still trying to send me to temples there are a lot on the bank of a river in my city…. but Y doesnt it give me a feeling that I shud ….. I mean I do go there and believe me I m not saying I dont believe in him but I cant say mom that God is with me all the time …. doesnt sound gud to them …same thing very religious background grandpa have temples in villages… :O .

    Ofcourse the Bottom line I believe in is
    “Be Good”
    thats wat helps…and abt the gud people suffering …..my book will give u smthing abt it…..

    Well gals are more far more matured ….. equation was rite.. boys = gals -3 years

    ok C ya bbye

  3. jayaram Says:

    a different god
    Sunil when you say you dont believe in God,I think you mean you do not believe in the God as others do.God has different meanings for different people.I am not talking about the hindu-muslim-christian thing here.

    God need not be an unknown unseen unfelt effect.It can be anyone,the paan shop walah,your teacher and so on so forth…

    Ramakrishna paramhansa worshipped his wife…strange isnt it? but to him she was God…through her he realized other Gods

    God can be what you want him to be..that is why he is God…

    I find rituals and ceremonies boring but my mom has an innate fascination for them..I have found that trying to explain to her things like science, logic etc are pointless..I just go through the steps as my mom tells me…

    To me God dosent mean a temple and an idol,it means someone/anyone who is willing to counter odds and fight for what is right(what is right is in itself a loaded question)

    If you ever get really really depressed…so depressed that you begin to think about ending the pain of life…AND you decide that no..there is some purpose to life…then right at the bottom of the pit you will realize who is your God

    I think God is akin to a distributed system,a central request processing server(more on this later),several GUI for client interaction(different relegions),a backend database for maintaining logs of right and wrong(karma and dharma) and a mixture of several technologies including RPC for remote invocation,xml for meta data and COM/Corba,maybe even soap …

    we went to a mosque recently right? I prayed there…but my client was not registered with that GUI(since I am not a muslim),however the GUI does not reject my login,it instead transfers it to the central processing server,which is a kind of master server…this goes through the logs finds out which GUI(relegion) I can login to…and forwards my request to it…
    Depending on the request,it is bounced around until it finds a server(God?) capable of processing it..and is put in the wait q….

    The best part of this? Anonymous(atheists/non believers) logins are also permitted

    A strange God? yes but he is My God

  4. Sagar Says:

    Good post.. I agree with what Jayaram says… temples are just stress-reducing machines and idols just help in concentration.. God may or may not exist, but you certainly benefit if you believe in God. It gives you increased confidence and even in the most picklish of situations you know that you have someone to turn to.

    I went through this phase of atheism too, but now this is what I think.

  5. rohan Says:

    this is almost exactly (oxymoron) what i believe. God what manufactured by the weak to satisfy their hope for divine vengeance against the oppressor. Nothing more nothing less.

  6. luck/strike Says:

    from the time i started thinking on my own rather than following commands pointlessly, i never felt the need for a hypothesis called god. all i wish for is that the many random(maybe pseudo :-s) variables that affect me give me the output i want, which everyone calls luck. nothing so far in my life countered logic except maybe the fact that so many people are willing to blindly follow the huge mythical overlay without reasoning. some dictionaries define me as agnostic. its just that i dont care about this whole god thing because my life runs the same either ways.

    ps:i’m not able to post this comment in my Firefox 2 and Chrome, it says invalid email though my email is correct, so i guess hav to use a dummy id

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